My dreams have been trying to tell me something lately. Night before last I dreamed that I was going back to work and was dropping my 8 month old off at some random office of which a friend supposedly worked. When it came time to pick him up again, I couldn't remember where I had dropped him off, I felt guilty for having gone back to work and irresponsible for not even paying attention to whom I gave him. This dream was odd because I haven't gone back to work in that sense. I bring my children with me to the half-day day care center at a YMCA. This dream helped me remember that I could possibly go back to work full time to help out my struggling family.
Last night I had a dream that was all over the place! I will not describe it all but let me just mention some of its themes. It touched on my insecurities with my ten pounds I have yet to lose since having my son. I feel less of a person than my peers because I was unable to finish college and because I never had a supportive family. It also featured a high school boyfriend of mine getting it on with my best friend! Also something to do with everyone having babies at the same time but I was the only one who did it best. I felt left out of everyone's fortunate times (babies, graduation, sex), I also felt ashamed that I had this child to look after and no way of helping out my family. Wow, this dream really was all over the place. As you may be able to tell, I have been in a negative state of mind lately. This dream featured all of my worries and insecurities. I am trying to learn from this dream. Learn that my husband loves me and my ten extra pounds. That I will have time to achieve that degree someday. That my children are blessings, not anchors in poverty. I know that I need to stop comparing my life to others' lives. I need to realize that everyone has troubles in different ways. Stop being jealous!
Those were pretty personal and sensitive topics to share. There are a few more themes to both of those dreams, that I do not have the patience to list. I feel like I am making my way up this hill, a very tough hill indeed. When I get to the top I will have figured out what I need to do to make these troubles go away, or at least deal with them better. I am starting to fight back, starting to climb this hill-turned-mountain. I see a few tough spots that I still need to find out how to get past. I need to do so much but I also need to be there for my children. I need to be able to help them develop their basics like a good mother should. Part of me is so hung up on our poverty that I feel like I am completely inept in everything. Ah, times are tough. We have been too poor for too long. We need to find our way out of this depressing hole.
Sorry about the complete downer of an entry. Have you faced tough times (of course you have)? How can I use my witchiness to help me out of it? I have lit a green candle but do not want to waste anymore unless I know how to use them properly. I also wonder if my negative thoughts are just undoing all of my proactive work? I have heard of this happening. So let me put it out there to all of you, what would you do in my situation (aside from mundane solutions)? Have any of you expreince with poverty and getting out of it?
May you all enjoy your Friday night and have a safe and comforting weekend.