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Friday, January 8, 2010

Downer Dreams

My dreams have been trying to tell me something lately. Night before last I dreamed that I was going back to work and was dropping my 8 month old off at some random office of which a friend supposedly worked. When it came time to pick him up again, I couldn't remember where I had dropped him off, I felt guilty for having gone back to work and irresponsible for not even paying attention to whom I gave him. This dream was odd because I haven't gone back to work in that sense. I bring my children with me to the half-day day care center at a YMCA. This dream helped me remember that I could possibly go back to work full time to help out my struggling family.

Last night I had a dream that was all over the place! I will not describe it all but let me just mention some of its themes. It touched on my insecurities with my ten pounds I have yet to lose since having my son. I feel less of a person than my peers because I was unable to finish college and because I never had a supportive family. It also featured a high school boyfriend of mine getting it on with my best friend! Also something to do with everyone having babies at the same time but I was the only one who did it best. I felt left out of everyone's fortunate times (babies, graduation, sex), I also felt ashamed that I had this child to look after and no way of helping out my family. Wow, this dream really was all over the place. As you may be able to tell, I have been in a negative state of mind lately. This dream featured all of my worries and insecurities.  I am trying to learn from this dream. Learn that my husband loves me and my ten extra pounds. That I will have time to achieve that degree someday. That my children are blessings, not anchors in poverty. I know that I need to stop comparing my life to others' lives. I need to realize that everyone has troubles in different ways. Stop being jealous!


Those were pretty personal and sensitive topics to share. There are a few more themes to both of those dreams, that I do not have the patience to list. I feel like I am making my way up this hill, a very tough hill indeed. When I get to the top I will have figured out what I need to do to make these troubles go away, or at least deal with them better. I am starting to fight back, starting to climb this hill-turned-mountain. I see a few tough spots that I still need to find out how to get past. I need to do so much but I also need to be there for my children. I need to be able to help them develop their basics like a good mother should. Part of me is so hung up on our poverty that I feel like I am completely inept in everything. Ah, times are tough. We have been too poor for too long. We need to find our way out of this depressing hole.

Sorry about the complete downer of an entry. Have you faced tough times (of course you have)? How can I use my witchiness to help me out of it? I have lit a green candle but do not want to waste anymore unless I know how to use them properly. I also wonder if my negative thoughts are just undoing all of my proactive work? I have heard of this happening. So let me put it out there to all of you, what would you do in my situation (aside from mundane solutions)? Have any of you expreince with poverty and getting out of it?

May you all enjoy your Friday night and have a safe and comforting weekend.

8 comments:

Yart said...

Amanda, we have all had time when we felt inadequate in our lives. And I for one know what it is like to not be able to contribute to my family and my husband was working his butt off. What I did was make sure that I did everything I could to get the bills paid off even if it was just a few dollars extra here and there. I started cooking from scratch, (even though it would be years before I cooked full time), that cut expenses. I made as many gifts as I could. And I started to simplify our lives. When I was able I went back to work for as long as I could. Sometimes it was just for a couple of months (babysitters were very hard to come by, so I had to work opposite shift of Grim). None of this may not apply to you, but you can see that for as many problems as we face in our lives there are answers. As far as my faith in my path... it has waived over the years... But you come back from it with a greater resolve to do and be better.

I didn't mean to write a novel here, I just remember what it was like to feel so very useless and no one who I thought would understand to talk to. Way, before blogging ;o)

Take care and know your no alone!

Tracy said...

Been there. Living in poverty, with children, feeling inadequate and unable to help the family financially is a daily struggle for me. Feel free to email me if you want some suggestions for ways to help out financially by being frugal, etc. faeriecastle at yahoo dot com

As far as witchy ways go... I am a beginner so I can't give you any advice there. But positive and hopeful thoughts are generally helpful. Try to visualize what you want... happiness and prosperity.

Good luck. And HUGS from someone you don't know!

Rue said...

I think if we catch the negative thoughts - have our cry and move on - then they don't do much damage. We all need a good scream/rant etc. but it's what we do after, that counts. It sounds trite, but positive thoughts do help.

When you meditate, see your bills being paid, writing the cheques, buying the groceries. When you light your green candle, concentrate on these things.

I don't know what it's like to try to support children, but I've had to support myself and a family member a time or two, and it's always a challenge. I like the idea of seeing how much you can make yourself too - you'd be surprised what you can come up with!

Lyon said...

Magical and mundane solutions go hand in hand. Rue's thoughts on visualization and meditation are very good ones, and then of course, move on about your day - think positively - and follow through. Having a positive plan of action helps a ton.

The most important thing you can do is be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up about what you see as your failings will get you nowhere. But you know that already. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one plan actualized then the next!

Dirgesinger said...

I was not exactly in those shoes You describe (we are just planning our first child) but currently we are in a kind of a similar situation here (no work, many things to pay...). What I can advise (If I am an adequate person to give any advices at all) is to include a daily routine prayer - whether in the morning or at nightfall (this is what I do, for example) in which You can tell the Goddess (or whoever You believe in, I am sorry not to be an expert in witchery) all Your fears, Your concerns, Your thoughts, plans for the future etc. This may take only a few minutes at the chosen time but I have found these minutes extremely comforting and strengthening in my current situation. This might lead you to experiencing being freed from negative thougths and filled with energy for the coming day.

I hope this might be of some help - it was for me, hopefully You can make use of it too.

Blessings!

Celia (Head Witch of the Hollow) said...

Oh you poor sweet thing...
It's so very easy not to see anything good coming out of your sorrow...but...really sweetheart...there is no point in beating yourself up over things which you have little control over.
Sometimes we just have to go with the flow and not try to swim against it.
I know it's easier said than done...

When things get overwhelming...it's a good idea to write down your concerns on a piece of paper and then "ritually" set light to them, letting the element of fire consume them.

Give it a try...you never know...and it can do no harm to your thoughts anyway to burn them away.

ONe PiNK FiSH said...

http://www.angelfoodministries.com/

Anyone can purchase food from the ministry, but is indeeded for families in financial need. Right now, you can get a month supply of fruits and veggies for $22, a signature box with a mix of fodds for $30, and various meet packages.

You have to order at the beginning of the month I think and go to a local site to pick up the food on a specific day.

Just type in your zipcode and it will let you know if there is a site near you.

If there isn't a host site in your state, call the 1-800 # and request one. They add about 200 host sites a month all over the US.

Another thing to do is buy in bulk... If you buy meat, be sure to get freezer paper and tape the edges so that no air can reach the meat. Then place the wrapped meat in a freezer bag with the date and kind of meat.

If all else fails contact a local school or church. Both of these establishments will generally know places that can help in your area. I know we can get glasses, coats, food etc for families in need at our school.

Hope this can help in some way.

I read somewhere that cjarged crystals can lift the spirts. It may be worth the small investment. If nothing else, it would be some thing small and inexpensive that could simply make you happy. Read a recent post over at Merlins Magikal Mistress to find out about how to cleanse and change a crystal.

Bridgett said...

I truly empathize and understand on many levels. I've been having some yucky nightmares lately...and many of them revolve around my insecurities as well.

I've decided I'm going to make a dreamcatcher, stuff my pillowcase with some amethyst, and do a white sage smudge to get rid of any negative energies lingering around here.

As for money issues, I'm also with you on that one as well. Our debt nearly outweighs our income. And my husband isn't even getting his normal annual bonus this year. Times are hard for sure.

I hope we can all come to some resolutions this year....

)O(
boo